I know I am being incredibly, astoundingly controversial here, but I am just going to say it.
I really like my husband.
There, I got it out.
I know, I know, it is so much more edgy to moan and complain about your spouse, but I just can’t. A few friends were commenting on how their summer vacations are brutal because they can’t stand being together that much. I am the opposite: the more we are together, the more I remember how much I like him and want him around. If we spend a lot of time together, it is actually painful when he goes back to being all busy and I am alone with the kids a ton.
So last week, a tearful woman who is struggling with her marriage said to me, “You seem so happy together, how do you do it?” Look, I am no expert but I can tell you four simple things have worked for us after 18 years together:
1. You cannot blame your spouse for your routine unhappiness, boredom or pain. You just can’t. It’s not their job to make you happy. (Notice I said routine; if they are cruel or an addict or sleeping around, that’s another story). As we say to the kids, “You are the boss of your emotions.” Keep a list of all the things you loved about your spouse when you were first together in your wallet and look at it from time to time.
2. If you aren’t having any fun, then you aren’t any fun. Stay fresh. Bring something to the table. Read, get a hobby, watch wierd movies, join a bocce team, just get a life outside of kids and work, however miniscule. An hour a week outside of your routine doing something you personally love can work miracles. Hire a sitter, trade time with a friend, beg your in-laws, just DO it. If you resist this, then, I have observed, you are on a slow slide to hating being married.
3. Share something besides the kids. For us, we cycle through different things depending on what phase we have been in. It can be paying sports together, it can be scrabble, it can be music, or, as it has been in post-baby exhaustion, Jon Stewart and Ricky Gervais. We try to laugh together every day for at least ten or twenty minutes, and these two guys give us a lot to laugh at.
4. A foot rub goes a LONG way. So do spontaneous, all-family, kitchen dance parties and racing each other around the outside of the house in the rain. At night.
Have some fun. Laugh. Force yourself to enjoy something. All else will fall into place.