Our politeness lessons have worked so well that our kids are mirroring them back on us.
It should come as no surprise that once children reach an appropriate age they start actively looking for and even judging their parents’ behaviors. Are we chewing with our mouths open, or handling food with our hands? Do we say please, thank you, I’m sorry, and excuse me at appropriate times? Personally, I like getting this kind of feedback, because it forces me to practice what I preach.
A week ago, not for the first time, Siena accused me of not saying please. This time, however, I had no idea what she was talking about. She had been crying for a while, and when she finally calmed down she told me that I didn’t say please.
Yesterday it happened again, only this time my wife was the target. After a long bout of upset, Siena explained that the reason she had been crying was that my wife didn’t say please. Again, I think Siena was miscommunicating, but I saw the parallel. Both of these complaints followed our criticisms of Siena, where we pointed out her bad behavior and told her how to act appropriately. With me, for example, I got stern when she took away a toy that Oren was playing with; I demanded she return it and wait her turn. She cried, calmed, and then accused me of not saying please. It’s not the reprimand that makes her cry, she seems to be saying, but rather my delivery of that reprimand. “If you’re going to accuse me,” she thinks, “accuse me politely.”
On the radio I heard an interview where actors, who are now parents, spoke about how they were punished as children. One actor told the story of how he was spanked not by his own mom but by the mother of a friend. “Today,” he said, ”she would literally have gone to jail.” Instead, his own parents thanked her.
Clearly an even gentler generation is on its way. Long gone are the days of “Thank you, may I have another” acceptance. Siena wants something a bit different. “Please, my cherished daughter,” she would have say, “if you don’t mind, I’d like to take a moment and tell you constructively where I believe your actions, though true to yourself, could nevertheless be modestly improved.”
Yeah, take that, you miscreant. Please.